Monday, November 11, 2013

Who am I, Why are We? pt 1 Who am I?

   "Who am I, who am I?" Well I'm not exactly JeanValjean but with all respect to those incarcerated, I do know what it is to live in a prison for twenty years of ones own making, Forsaking all semblance of learning and holding in contempt all those who purveyed thoughts of wisdom and of faith; finding solace only in vice and hedonism. Growing up in the last third of the cold war lent itself to a self -destructive and fatalistic attitude in which the thought as "Why bother we're all going to get nuked anyway?" was the mantra of many of my contemporaries especially of those who fell in the category of rockers or metal-heads. Gone were the days of my tranquil pre-teen days of growing up on State Park and spending the days with my foster Dad, who was a park ranger, meandering through nature. Instead I lived in a housing project in the burbs, witnessing all the of absurdities of the impoverished as well as the injustices of the current systems of "law and order". Growing up there in hindsight was a real blessing for it was quiet eye opening, but at the time it didn't help my state of mind.
        Even after the birth of my children in the 90's I still walked down the wrong path though after holding my premature children in my arms, I actually started to think of something other than myself. Through twist and turns and boredom, I found my way to History and Philosophy; for once I wasn't afraid to think! In prior times my idea of depths of thought was Rock poets and tidbits of Zen that I had received from martial arts instructors. Talk about a paradigm shift. I had no idea how ignorant to knowledge that I had allowed myself to be. I have no clue as to how I graduated High School but I guess public schools aren't exactly known as places where education was a priority. I was more like an assembly line. Heaven forbid it be a place where free thought actually came into being.
        Yet I still had my priorities all wrong. Yes I loved my family but I still loved myself more! I thought I had the game all figured out. I had money, women, knowledge, weed , a good spinning-back kick and oh yeah my family. But sometimes when I was alone I knew that there was something missing. I could feel there was a hole in myself that needed filling. A gaping wound that I was born with that the powers of darkness had tried to fill with everything from booze to arrogance. I realized that that space was actually the absence of the spirit of the Eternal in my life. Aided by primitive Christianity, the deeds of saints, Theravada Buddhism and Chan(Zen), I grabbed revelation and never let it go, though on many occasions I have looked back. This was the final piece of the puzzle that I had been missing and had long searched for. For once I had an indubitable grasp as to who I was and who I was created to be! This is key for if we don't know who we are, how can we ever find out why we are? Hence who we are, I believe is the easy question the more difficult one is why we are.......